Laura's blog

Healing Through Pain

2010-05-03T10:35:00.002-04:00

I have recently been going through some physical therapy that involves breaking up 11 years of scar tissue that is a result of a terrible car accident in which my husband and I were hit by a semi. When the accident occurred, of course I had a few injuries, a ton of pain, stitches, and some ugly scars. But, even though the trauma was difficult, we were so thankful to be alive! I did my best to recover, take care of myself, go to doctors and chiropractic appointments. I made it a priority for several months to get back my strength and go on with the life that I was pursuing. But over the years, I have had been in pain, and now discovered that I have scar tissue that is causing this pain.

So, now I am in a therapy that is attempting to break up the scar tissue. I have always thought I can take a lot of pain, but WOW, it really hurts. I look forward to each appointment, hoping that I will feel better, even though I wonder if the process will kill me! I am at the place where the pain is so great that I would do anything to make it better!

I have been thinking about this process that I am in, and I thought of you, many of whom are or have been my clients. Some of you have been deeply wounded by your spouse, your mother, father, sister, daughter, son, etc. In my line of work, I really see that there are so many people that are hurting, usually from the result of someone else's actions. You probably initially went through a process of healing, only to discover that there is some residual scar tissue that needs to be broken up. Some of you avoid dealing with it because it is painful!

Are you in so much pain that you would do anything to heal from it?

Have you avoided dealing with it because of the pain?

I urge you to keep going on the journey to healing. Sometimes you have to go through pain and difficult emotions to reach the place of healing!

Keep going! It's worth it!

Come on, Just Say You're Sorry!

2010-02-01T15:15:00.002-05:00

"Come on, Say You're Sorry!"

Okay...I have this secret... You all think I am perfect, since I am "Marriage and Family Therapist" and all...

Here it is.... I really don't like apologizing. There, I said it.

It took me a long time to realize this about myself. Actually, I think it comes down to a deeper issue: I don't like to be in the wrong. I really enjoy being right. I have a lot of common sense, I trust my instincts, and I am fairly intelligent. So, a lot of the time, I am right. But, I sure do make some mistakes, especially in my marriage. You see, my husband is the greatest, and I am so comfortable around him, and I let things slide that I don't do around others...and I mess up sometimes.

Now, I have seen a fair amount of couples with this problem, too. So, here is my really wise advice:

JUST SAY YOU'RE SORRY!

My husband taught me a really cool thing that I say to a lot of my couples. If you have done anything wrong, even if you are 1% in the wrong, go ahead and apologize. My husband pulls this fast one on me, and man, do I feel guilty (the good kind of guilt when you have done something wrong). When he admits the small stuff that he did, and I realize that I hadn't apologized for my wrong, I want to show him that I love him, too, and that I am sorry for what I did. It is amazing how humility and care can melt a prideful heart!

I really believe that if people got really good at apologizing and forgiving one another, this world would be a different place!

So, just get over yourself for a minute and tell the one you love that you are sorry! (And no, I am not sorry for telling you to get over yourself).

That Darn Mirror

2009-09-08T14:49:00.002-04:00

Have you ever been to a clothing store where the mirror is totally distorted???? Where it makes you look 25 pounds bigger than the last time you were there? Where the lighting makes you look pastey and sickly? UGGGGG! All 50 of the clerks and managers that I talked to reassured me that they are accurate and not playing a nasty trick on me. :)

Before I was married I really had it together (and I was 18 pounds thinner, but who is keeping track?). I was patient, kind, and people really thought I was sweet and such a catch. Then, I met the man of my dreams, and we both realized that I wasn't as sweet as everyone thought I was. I could be kind of bossy (I would blame that on being the oldest of my siblings), have a high need for control (I attributed that to my hard working nature), and grouchy if I didn't get sleep (God made us to need sleep, right?).

Oh, isn't it amazing to see the flaws that marriage brings out. It is just like that "fun house" mirror at the clothing store. We come face to face with weaknesses that never surfaced before, emotions that we never had to manage, and insecurities that did not have an opportunity to show themselves.

Oh, yeah, sure, marriage is hard, but it is also an amazing opportunity for God to improve you. So, go on, look in that mirror, as horrifying as it may be. You will be better for it!

Listening

2009-08-24T20:02:00.002-04:00

I am an introvert naturally, and a lot of times my family and my work collide with my need to not talk or listen. The members of my family talk a lot, and it is especially overboard when my younger daughter wants to communicate something. EVERYTIME she says something, we must repeat it so that SHE knows that WE know what she is talking about. So, she says, "That balloon is purple." Then I must repeat, "That balloon is purple." If not, she will keep on repeating it. Trust me, it's best to get her on the first time.

For my sanity and the health of my family, I have learned to block noises out (whining, repeating things, annoying sounds, that blasted toy trumpet that we got at the County Fair, thanks to the van Doesburgs....). My husband will have to say, "LAURA, your daughter has been yelling your name for the last minute, do you want to answer her?"

However, I also have the wonderful couples that I work with repeat a lot of things. The husband will say, "I felt unimportant when you didn't leave any time in your schedule for the things we planned." And then I will instruct the wife to repeat, and she will say, "You are really angry that I didn't listen to you." The the husband will correct her, because that is not what he was trying to communicate.

Truly 100% listening is an amazing, healing, and connecting event. This week I am going to try to find the beauty in that glorious sounding toy trumpet. What are you listening to?

Prickly Pear

2009-08-16T12:04:00.002-04:00

I got this free cactus from someone at work. I think it is called a prickly pear. According to the directions of everyone at work, I carefully wrapped it in newspaper and brought it home to plant. It is a 5 inch ear shaped plant. I have never had a cactus, so I thought... "What could it hurt?"

As I got home, I was so interested in it because I had no idea how it would reproduce and grow. There were tiny little needles that you could barely see, but it looked smooth all around, other than the those little needles. The color is a dark, old looking green color. How would it flower, or seed, or make another one?

I let my husband and kids know not to touch it or anything around it. When I unfolded the newspaper, many little needles went all over the counter top. I managed to plant and water this prickly pear cactus with only sticking myself once with an invisible little needle.

Over the next day, both Adam and I got stuck time after time with those needles. They were tiny, and you could barely see them, but man, they really hurt.

A few months have passed, and out grows this light green growth from the top. So fascinating! The outgrowth is long and skinny, and it has MUCH BIGGER, MUCH MORE OBVIOUS SPIKES. No little, invisible needles.

You know, when we are immature and at the beginning of our growth, we have obvious spikes that may hurt people, but people can see them a mile away. It is totally obvious to those around us that if you get close to us that we may hurt you. Sometimes those spikes are to hurt others, and at other times they are meant to protect ourselves. Those spikes hurt, but it is nothing like when they are fed and have time to grow.

As we grow, develop, and learn how to be sneakier in the way we hurt people, those immature spikes slowly become invisible little needles that you cannot see, but only feel the closer people get to you.

What were the ways that you may have hurt people when you were immature and growing?

Assuming you are past that point, what are the weaknesses in you that hurt people when they get close to you?

Something My Daughter Taught Me Today- #1

2009-08-09T20:05:00.003-04:00

My 6 and 3/4 year old daughter has a way of humbling me. I can't tell you all the times when she tells me things like I have jiggly buns or my breath stinks. Those come so often I just say, "Thanks for letting me know." A week or two ago, she told me she wants to be adopted into another family so that she can "have a life." And she was TOTALLY SERIOUS!

But tonight as we were reading a Christian devotional together as a family, my husband reads aloud that daughters should watch their mothers so they will know how be a good mother. (Despite how this sounds, we are NOT the most conservative family in the world). So, my 6 and 3/4 year old daughter says, "Why do I have to do that? I think I will just read parenting.com."

There are some times when we do the right thing, say the right thing....and we get absolutely no praise, thanks, or encouragement. My daughter taught me that.

JUMP!

2009-08-08T21:28:00.004-04:00

I have several good friends and colleagues that have helped me decide to take a leap, make somewhat risky decisions, and it is incredible!

I was on that edge of decision: thinking, dreaming, planning, but I was just plain scared. But what am I more afraid of, failure or success?

So, here I am, blogging, launching a business, writing articles....

Are you afraid of failure, embarrassment, ridicule, rejection

or

Success, leaving comfort behind, making your dreams happen, doubt that success will fill the hole inside?

I sure am scared, but it feels so good to jump!

At the present moment, I am still in mid-air. I will let you know when I land.